31.10.10 - hallow-boring

big plans for tonight: go to target and spend money on stuff i can't get in mexico; try to convince awkward colleagues to go out to dinner and watch crazies in south beach; decide whether i want to spend night with said colleagues or alone in room with bottle of wine.

wish you were here.

30.10.10 - bienvenidos a miami

i can't believe it has been days since i have written here. what a crazy week.
but tonight i am being anti-social after a day of conferences and an afternoon of shopping. and the loneliness is glorious, despite my constant wish for someone i love to share this place with. miami is great, beautiful beach, fabulous hotel, and unbelievable people watching. i hope tomorrow to convince some new friends to sit on the pedestrian mall and watch the crazies trot by in their halloween finery. we'll see.
sadly my point-n-shoot camera is refusing to download photos to this computer, so a hotel website photo will have to do.

boulder smells like smoke agian

hey love-
i will be up in the mountains for the next few days, but will be back with another post on sunday. love you.

tim's b-day today

most awesome card ever!

27.10.10 - happy

i may have a problem.
but i think i've earned it.

trying out lots of tequilas
to make sure i've got something good
when you get your ass down here.

i have not worked in 2 weeks

... and it has been great

26.10.10 - simple evening

after school today, i walked over to the fruit market,
got some cheese and veggies and fresh squeezed juice.
then i picked up bread and desert from the closest bakery,
and we made greasy delicious sausage sammies
and drank vodka cocktails with the pineapple and strawberry juice.days like this are not so bad.

i bet there won't be any wind in heaven

"Friends are like windows through which you see out into the world and back into yourself."
Merle Shain

in the name of health

today z and i are starting a fruit and veggie cleanse. for the next four days we will only be consuming fruits and veggies (and coffee, of course, i do have some limitations). sometimes food seems to take over our lives and i realize we have been eating nothing healthy. lots of chips and cheese and too much alcohol. wish me luck. i hope you have a great day at school.

25.10.10 - back to school

i can never figure out where sundays disappear to - so much lovely open time and so little accomplished. our slow walk through the park and late breakfast devoured our day. ah, well. ready or not, monday here i come.

not the ideal sunday morning

sorry that we got disconnected, i realized that i had 3 messages from brian and esther letting me know that esther got on an earlier flight, and i was 5 min. away from the airport. so i turned around with no esther and returned the car seat and went for a lovely brunch at rada, which made everything better.

but it was so good to talk to you this morning, lets continue our conversation. but until then, just know that you are so loved. i love you. i appreciate your presence in my life, whether it is far or near. and everything you do for me speaks life to my soul. i hope we live close by each other someday soon. i miss your face. so here is a picture of our faces. in case you miss them too!

23.10.10 - home

did i tell you i wanted to read this?
or is our connection still just that strong?
haven't read it yet - i've already been feeling that i have read too many dark stories of late and need more light - but i have carried it and your note with me to the beach, to the mountains, and it will likely go to miami with me.
just nice to have a piece of you along for the ride.
underneath is my current book, the devil and miss prym. its worth a read - similar in thoughtfulness to the alchemist and not so boring as some of his others.

fettuccine and frustration

z and i went to bed frustrated with each other after a bowl of fettuccine.
so that means i was up early, going for a long walk. remembering who i
am, forgiving the ones in front of me and acknowledging my humanity.
it is fall, it is a time of death, it is time to grieve. it is time to remember
the pain of the last season, take it all into account, feel it and be with it.
then you take all the pain, rake it up like the leaves, and throw it away
in the garbage. is that not what we must do every season, remember all
that has been and move on, with joy and gratitude. that is what we must
do, otherwise we become cold, stale, and unforgiving. i want my heart of be soft.


The Fear of Love
I come to the fear of love
as I have often come,
to what must be desired
and to what must be done.

Only love can quiet the fear
of love, and only love can save
from diminishment the love
that we must lose to have.

We stand as in an open field,
blossom, leaf, and stem,
rooted and shaken in our day,
heads nodding in the wind.
-W.B.

it has been the perfect fall

but today is the first sign that winter is coming, it is cold, rainy, and there is snow for casted for next week. it has been lovely while it lasted, hello slippers, socks and hats, we will be friends once again.

22.10.10 - spoiled

last morning here at camp,
last day of being pampered and getting to pretend i teach at hogwarts.
its been nice, but i miss my husband and my kitten and i'm ready to go home.

21.10.10 - camp for rich kids

this is not where the kids stay, only teachers,
but it is another temptation for the kind of home i hope to one day build,
with walls lined with books and a porch with a fireplace, an amazing view, and comfortable chairs.

20.10.10 - belatedly

this is my cabin in the woods,
and my latest temptation
to become a hermit poet in the wilderness:and this is my morning musing, from yesterday:
this morning's walk, solitary through the dew damp valley,
ended here - perched on this small log beside water,
a burbling stream that cuts a deep swath
through the otherwise unending green.
on such rare mornings
when the drone and chatter of people are far away,
when the quiet world emerges from the hubbub of humanity,
i shrink and forget myself/remember myself?
in mountain mornings i often cannot recall
where i am,
when i am.
human differences and political lines fade away
- mexico, colorado, romania, switzerland -
all my beloved mountain meadows meld into one.
tree and flower,
mist and rays of light,
ripples above and pebbles under
the always flowing, falling water.
the world is the world,
full of beauty and grace and deeply biting cold.
and i
- who fancy myself so transient, mutable -
am still the same child
who hid behind vines to watch the world,
the same soul encased in an aging shell.
perhaps instead of always seeking truth
i should pause my search and sit quietly,
until my eyes relearn how to see the truths that scream silently all around,
how to rest in the mountainous calm.

it is almost halloween

some pumpkins we carved last night, can you guess which is mine?

early wake up call

had to take Z to the airport at this gross time this morning, the things we do for our men

sometimes old habits are so good

i bet you thought i was going to say something about smoking, turns out it was the opposite, running!

but i did get the ciggies you sent me, love them, and nozzle and i smoke paul mall's the first half of the time in RO. soooooo gooooood, soooooooooo cheap. just like you. have a good trip with the kiddo's. love you friend.

18.10.10 - traveling

why am i always on a ... bus??
not quite the same ring to it,
and by the way i saw rufus wainwright
on t.v. the other day and he does not
look anything like what i imagined.
but i am still a fan of the mist and fog that softened this mornings drive to the hacienda with 150 adolescents. wish me luck on this week's adventure!

14.10.10-17.10.10 Pie de Cuesta

someday i will take you here.
and we can wonder at the waves,
and rest in hammocks, on sand, on water,
and try to remember again how to be still.

my favorite morning spot

All goes back to the earth,
and so I do not desire
pride of excess or power,
but the contentments made
by men who have had little:
the fisherman's silence
receiving the river's grace,
the gardener's musing on rows.

I lack the peace of simple things.
I am never wholly in place.
I find no peace or grace.
We sell the world to buy fire,
our way lighted by burning men,
and that has bent my mind
and made me think of darkness
and wish for the dumb life of roots.
-W. Berry

breakfast amongst the fallen leaves

a morning spent cleaning

is there anything better than an organized closet?

last of my garden

sometimes life seems to be sitting right outside my door, knocking on my window, asking me to come along-- why am i so afraid, i turn inside of myself, i cry, i am quite. the risk never seems worth it, the rain never seems to stop, and then one day i step into the sun, and i realize-- the risk is always worth it, to know life, to get your hands dirty, to dream, to find yourself short, and then to believe i am more than a dry soul.

wool sock weather

As a species, we colonized the world on foot. Most of human history was created through contacts conducted at walking pace, even when some rode horses. I thought of the pilgrimages to Compostela in Spain; to Mecca; to the source of the Ganges; and of wandering dervishes, sadhus, and friars who approach God on foot. The Buddha meditated by walking and Wordsworth composed sonnets while striding beside the lakes. Bruce Chatwin concluded from all this that we would think and live better and be closer to our purposes as human if we moved continually on foot across the surface of the earth.
Rory Stewart

I miss walking with you...

14.10.10 - no tim

rushing about trying to get ready to leave this afternoon
tim didn't come - decided to stay at hotel after all - sad day.
not a big deal at all, really, and my first thought when he called, "was, yeah, i kind of half expected that - just tim being tim." but my second thought was, "sarah wouldn't do that; and neither would i." its one of the things i like best about us - we do what we say we will.
ironically, i'm sorry i forgot to call on tuesday - school destroyed my brains that day - but i didn't do what i intended and for that i am sorry.

i love you - and congratulations to natalie!!!!!!!

on my way to word...

a lady asked me today if i had a husband, i said yes, she said, oh well that is why none of the other people like you... not sure what that means.

also, my friends natalie's cancer officially went into remission today, woo hoo! seriously i lost it when i found out, so much crying, but for such a good reason.

13.10.10 - pre-Tim

computer moving so slowly this morning,

and i wanted to say more.

but for now, just to be very clear,

although i am excited to see tim,

i wish he were you.

love you

dammit. now my photo won't load

i'll add it later.

goodbye summer days

"The leaves fall patiently
Nothing remembers or grieves
The river takes to the sea
The yellow drift of leaves."
Sarah Teasdale

11.10.10 - lunes

i know it's not true.
but i imagine that tim shows up,
and you jump out from behind him.
and we go to acapulco together,
and read and talk and drink.
i know it's not true,
but it is a nice dream
that will help me through this monday.

i am so sorry i missed your calls

sometimes i hang out with other people and wish that it was you i was sitting across the table from, is that bad, i don't think it is, i just think it is the truth

10.10.10 - balance

Therefore having and not having arise together.
Difficult and easy complement each other.
- the Tao Te Ching

because we are apart,
i remember my fortune in friendship.
when we are together,
separation sweetens the shared moments.

october 9

Fall day at the farmers market

9.10.10 - indulging

slow saturday emergence after evening of wine and art, fountains and secluded courtyards. main agenda for day = where to go for brunch