30.3.11 - our worst month ever

well, we have certainly fallen off the blogger track.
and renee took all the pictures while she was here, so i may never have proof of our time together.

but we did see whales. they are hard to photograph.

and, completely unrelated, i had a really awesome indian lunch today at that hare krishna temple close to my house. i'm totally taking you there, if you come back

19.3.11 - to the beach

I'm off to pick up renee soon, and nervous because i am silly and worry about messing things up when people come to visit. and i have to do all the spanish speaking - getting us from the airport to the bus station and then to acapulco without alex. it will be totally fine, but i am nervous.

can't wait for the beach tho'. next time you come visit we will definitely travel beyond the city.

p.s. hope you are holding up okay.

15.3.11 - mundane march

what is up with these days??? i just cannot get motivated or proactive or even, frankly, excited. i'm not unhappy, not sad, not exhausted. just kind of . . . bored. i need a change of pace, and i'm so glad renee is coming on saturday to give me a chance and an excuse to get out of my current routine.

(this wooden cervantes was in the last hotel we stayed at. he looks how i feel.)

somedays, i wish days were only hours

do you ever feel like you have days that get in a rut and they just won't get out? i am having one of those days. it feels foolish, to have these days, especially when you know that deep down things are really good and going to work out in the end, but for now they just seem stripped, naked, and sad.

i am not even sure what caused this sad day today, maybe it is because i missed my morning walk because of the horrible wind, or maybe it was the classes that seemed useless and vacant, or maybe it is the fact that z. and i found out we are not making enough money and are going to have to go into debt for our trip to san fran (which makes us feel like children and foolish and unwise). all these things they have just added up, and now here i sit.

i felt so good before about our trip, we finally felt like adults, going away together, and we thought we had worked out all the details so we would have enough money and now it all just feels like a spiral. spinning down. i am tired of feeling like a child, like i will never make the right decisions, like i will never be good enough for this world. i know that seems dramatic, but really that is how i feel. no matter how hard i try, now matter how much we save, no matter how little we go out, no matter how hard we fight, it just never feels good enough.

sorry this has been a downer of a post. i am sure tomorrow will feel better, i am sure i will feel better tonight, but for now i just feel heavy and burdened.

9.3.11 - good times

so good to talk with you on the phone this evening.
nice to realize that you have been here, with me, and taken photos of flowers.
but also great to know that you are just a phone call away and can refresh my evening with just a short convo.

love ya.

the day before lent

I feel like I am pained with this questions every year, do I or do I not participate in Lent? It always seems like a good idea at the time and then two weeks into it I am tired and have lost sight of the point. And then there is always the question, what do I give up? It generally always comes back to sugar, but I think that is just because I am using it as an excuse to try to loose weight, which I don't really think is the purpose. So, I think this afternoon I will take a long walk and try to clear my head on the subject and then dive into whatever I decide. But first tonight I will be going out for a little Fat Tuesday gathering with some friends, and there will be no holding back tonight, then we will see what the morning brings.

how to be a poet?

been thinking a lot about what it means to be a poet right now, in this day in age, as i go to nursing school, as i live in marriage with my husband, as i go to church, as i laugh and as i cry. i don't really know the answer, but i do know that there is a grace that comes over me when i write and when i read and when words spill out of me like i never knew they could. so, i think i will take the next 10 years and try to do it better than i have in the last 10 years. and then, maybe i will emerge with a better understanding of what it means to be alive, what it means to dream, and what it means to write... at least i hope so.

but for the meantime here is my newest one, let me know what you think, i am thinking about sharing it with some people on good friday. need your suggestions.

Of restless nights
And wondering still-
Is this cheap, the water
That runs of my skin
With a dampened sigh?

I want to believe you
Knew. And when you dream
Of us, soft and broken,
But standing, still
You see a wholly plan.

We, who water the
Ground with our tears,
We who dance,
We who are forced
To feel life young.

Sullen ground calls to spring
Out of the earth, something green,
Then I can see,
You are the vine
Wrapping around me.

Question the branch, question
The vine, but don't
Forget to remember everything you've seen.
Tell me, was it ever really love
When you completely understood?

Love you friend.