do you ever feel like you have days that get in a rut and they just won't get out? i am having one of those days. it feels foolish, to have these days, especially when you know that deep down things are really good and going to work out in the end, but for now they just seem stripped, naked, and sad.
i am not even sure what caused this sad day today, maybe it is because i missed my morning walk because of the horrible wind, or maybe it was the classes that seemed useless and vacant, or maybe it is the fact that z. and i found out we are not making enough money and are going to have to go into debt for our trip to san fran (which makes us feel like children and foolish and unwise). all these things they have just added up, and now here i sit.
i felt so good before about our trip, we finally felt like adults, going away together, and we thought we had worked out all the details so we would have enough money and now it all just feels like a spiral. spinning down. i am tired of feeling like a child, like i will never make the right decisions, like i will never be good enough for this world. i know that seems dramatic, but really that is how i feel. no matter how hard i try, now matter how much we save, no matter how little we go out, no matter how hard we fight, it just never feels good enough.
sorry this has been a downer of a post. i am sure tomorrow will feel better, i am sure i will feel better tonight, but for now i just feel heavy and burdened.
funny, i had a terrible day just the day before - actually really both wednesday and thursday were pretty bad. i was fed up with my students behavior on wednesday, then i felt like a failure of a teacher on thursday and just could not dig myself of the feeling. one of those days where i really thought, 'maybe this is not the career for me; maybe i should try something that takes less of my soul and would not make me feel like such a failure when it doesn't go just right.' i was stuck feeling like i cared way more than i should, more than anyone else - especially more than my students, but i still couldn't let go. so i left school in a rush and a huff, dropped my bags off, and went to the zoo. weird, huh? it felt like an odd choice, but actually worked. got me out of my head for a while. and then alex and i went out to eat and i promptly got sick and spent the next five hours puking my guts out.
ReplyDeletebad day.
the worst part of bad days are that i don't know how to stop them, or how to slow down my head. and i can empathize so much with your money frustrations - even now when we are doing okay, i still feel helpless and stupid because it is my debt that keeps us from traveling more, saving more, being more secure. i liked your descriptionof feeling like a kid. that is exactly it - when your money isn't in order you feel like you aren't adult enough to handle something as simple as not spendng more than you make.
hmm. i don't know if i'm offering much comfort here. i guess i'm just trying to say i feel your pain.
and i'm not blogging yet today until i have a picture of something beautiful to post, a reminder to both of us that we have it pretty good, despite our failings.